when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
