Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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