I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Text me some of your sweat
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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