Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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