i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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