What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
