May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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