Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
