Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
