What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
