you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
