Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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