I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
wanna go halves on a baby?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
