Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
