my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
