Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
And then he peed in my hair
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