I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We left the knife in your bed.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
