My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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