Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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