I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
