fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
