Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
