nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
