Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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