I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
