I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Boobs are out for the taking
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
