im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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