Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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