I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
