fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He better not be in your backpack
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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