This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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