Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
