My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Send help, water and tortillas.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
