You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
