The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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