Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
