He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm sobbing to NWA
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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