have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
