Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize