I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I enjoy the company of your penis
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