Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
