of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
