I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Mom said you looked used
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize