I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
