My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
