I just made out with a guy for $7.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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