I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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