please come you make the beer taste better
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize