none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
