I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
