Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
