hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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