You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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