things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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