My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I wish there were birth control emojis
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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