So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
