i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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