Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
