My friends, they love my intelligence
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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