people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
