She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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