Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
