I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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