So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
