She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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